Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I had surgery to remove the cancer in my breast and lymph nodes. A lot has happened since that surgery, and I remember it all. I also remember the support I had from wonderful people - family, friends, and my medical team. I am now a cancer survivor, a designation that has placed me in a group I never thought I'd be a member of but am actually grateful to have joined. 

From now on I will proudly walk with the survivors.

As time goes on, I am feeling stronger and no longer need my afternoon nap. I've had to have several haircuts because my curly hair is growing in like crazy! Color, too. My eyebrows and lashes have filled in, fallen out (with help from the eyelash curler) and returned. The chemo brain has diminished but is not entirely gone (or it could be the menopause). My skin has changed. In late July I got a rash and having never had anything similar, I went to urgent care only to be told it was hives with an unknown origin. I self-diagnosed it to be an itchy heat rash, and therefore cannot wait for summer to be over. The rash itself is gone but I notice a tingly sensation when I am in the sun, heat or humidity and then I get itchy. I hope the sensitivity is temporary because I want to be outside.

So awkward to smile at yourself.

I have so much to look forward to! Trips and holidays and weddings, traditions as well as new experiences with treasured people. Not quite sure what the next steps are for me and that's ok. Today I am thankfully celebrating the anniversary of my gift of LIFE.

"Let me live that I may praise you." Psalm 119:175

Life goes on

The diagnosis of breast cancer is a lifetime journey.

I read this somewhere awhile ago and now I understand. 

My last radiation treatment was on April 14, eight months after first hearing the words, "You have breast cancer."

Better than a tanning salon.

I've spent these last weeks recovering from treatment and working to figure out my new normal. Last week I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon. Not only did he check the breast where the tumor was, he checked the other one as well. Why? To see if there are any new lumps anywhere. Ahh. He said it's normal for me to be tired and lack energy for several more months. I will continue to see him every three months for the next two years, then every six months for the next three years.

Yesterday I had a follow-up with my radiation oncologist. She said my skin looks good and she also checked for lumps on both sides. She was pleased to see my hair and eyebrows and lashes (as am I!). She also said that I need a mammogram in six months, and because I'm taking Tamoxifen, I have an increased risk of uterine cancer and blood clots. I don't have to see her again or come back to the radiation department! Unless... ahh.

Next week I see my chemo oncologist, the one who will be monitoring me for the next five to ten years. 

I remember something a dear friend told me about the cancer journey. When you first share the shocking news that you have cancer, people react and respond. When you first start chemo, people react and respond. And then, after awhile, they don't. Life goes on. Except you are still in treatment. And when treatment finally ends, your life will be different., YOU will be different. Life goes on for everyone, but a cancer diagnosis means that your life will never be the same. You will experience a lot of emotions, body changes, LIFE changes. It can be a lonely and overwhelming time as you figure out your new normal. And when all is said and done, you will be left to put together the pieces of the puzzle that is your new life on your own, with the small band of loved ones who've always been there with you. 

God has said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you". Hebrews 13:5

Hey I'm Still Here!

I'm still in treatment. I've been going through this breast cancer thing since August. I drive to radiation Monday through Friday, about a 40 mile round trip. I'm fortunate, there's only two Kaiser radiation centers - Ontario and LA, with a new one being built in Anaheim. I met a woman coming from Orange, she was always there early because you can't plan for traffic.

At first I felt pretty good. I was starting to recover from chemo and the radiation hadn't affected me yet. I had some energy, and was beginning to do some more projects around the house. The dogs and I resumed our regular dog walks, although I can't seem to do more than usual because I'm still quite winded from our moderate exercise. A few weeks later and I'm so tired I can barely move. Well, that's an exaggeration. But I'm really tired. I need a nap every day that I have radiation. I am having trouble sleeping through the night, possibly because of chemo-induced menopause. If I don't take Tylenol PM I'm doomed to be awake most of the night.

I had my last full site radiation yesterday and also saw the radiation oncologist again. The first time, after a few weeks of treatment, the doctor seemed surprised that my skin looked so good. As with chemo, I chalked it up to my good fortune and was very grateful. Yesterday the doctor said everything was normal, and I realized I sure don't like normal. Besides being exhausted I am now in pain, like I have a really bad sunburn under my arm. The spot is where they've been radiating the lymph area. I'm not wearing a bra (!) whenever possible because it's painful. I had been applying the Aloe Vera gel as instructed and was just told to apply Aquaphor ointment to the entire area. It feels so much better until it dries and I want to apply it again.

Today was the first of my last six boost treatments. It's one shot of radiation only to the area where the initial tumor was removed. So hopefully the area under my arm and near my clavicle (which is sore but not as sore as the lymph area) will start to heal. Both of those areas are a weird, dark reddish brown color, with spots like large freckles. 

I've also apparently had some radiation-induced motion sickness. And the damage to my fingernails from the chemo that caused a brown color now has my nails splitting. There are red spots on both of my cheeks. Looks like broken blood vessels. My hair, eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back, albeit slowly but surely. And I only have five more radiation treatments to go.

Why is that door so thick?

Thick door closed. Beam on!

I'm Radioactive, Radioactive

So radiation.

My final chemo was on February 9 and my first radiation appointment was on February 19. The radiologist and my radiation oncologist took measurements and placed stickers all over my chest and drew on me with a red marker so they could determine the correct angles for aiming the radiation beams and the proper dose of radiation. I had three CT scans to make sure the stickers and marker placement were correct. 

It's critical when radiating the breast area that as much of the lung and heart is protected from the damaging effects of the radiation. While chemo treats the cells in the entire body, preventing replication of cancer cells, radiation aims to kill any remaining cancer cells in the immediate area where the tumors were found. I am having external photon beam radiation because I had a lumpectomy, or breast conserving surgery (BCS). They are radiating the entire breast, the lymph node area under my arm, above my collarbone and beneath the breast bone in the center of my chest. They know exactly where to radiate because on February 23, I got five permanent tattoos where the stickers had been. They are just small dots, but will be a permanent souvenir of my radiation experience. I was a bit unnerved at first, having a tattoo on my neck like a criminal, but I'll work with it.

I received my instructions for radiation - must put aloe vera gel on the affected area twice daily, stay out of the sun, especially the affected area, and a few other things - and found out my schedule. My radiation oncologist said we needed three weeks from the last day of chemo for recovery before starting radiation. I'll have late afternoon appointments the first week, and then settle into my regular schedule of 12:48. I was shown the radiation routine. Check in at the reception desk where the receptionist will give me one of those vibrating disks you get at restaurants to let you know your table's ready. When the disk lights up, I place it on the stack of disks on the desk, go to the dressing room and change into my gown, then proceed to the radiation waiting area and wait for the radiologist to call my name. Pretty simple.

After my radiation appointment, I ate a sandwich that my dad made and broke my tooth. I thought I had just broken a filling but sadly, no. The dentist wanted to get the root canal done before I began treatment. So far I've had the root canal, which was actually really easy, and the crown prep appointment. Wasn't expecting that little surprise but apparently chemo affects your teeth. That's a side effect I didn't really consider. 

My first treatment was on March 3. I was in a panic getting there because a deadly accident on the freeway closed my onramp and caused backups on all the side streets. I ended up making it on time and everything went fine. It's weird because you don't see anything happen and you don't feel anything. But you do hear it, and you are always alone. What does it mean that I'm getting radiation on bare skin but the radiologists have to leave the room and close the big, thick door?

I will have radiation Monday through Friday for 31 days. If I don't miss any treatments, my last day will be on April 14. The only side effects I'm expecting are fatigue and some skin redness or sunburn. I think the time will go by quickly.

"In quietness and in trusting confidence I find strength." Isaiah 30:15

Mixed Emotions and a Happy Birthday

It's done!! My last day of chemo was February 9. I took myself to my final dressing change and blood draw, and on my way home decided that I needed a last-day-of-chemo pink shirt, so I stopped at TJ Maxx and found one. Gus took me to chemo. I had my favorite nurse, Rowena, and all my other favorites were there, too. I brought customized breast cancer sugar cookies from Bee'in Creative with Cookies by Julie Grenier as a thank you to my awesome team (thank you Julie, the nurses loved the adorable cookies!). Chemo went really fast, and I had a good meeting with my oncologist. I will see him in three months, when radiation is over, to discuss my follow-up care. I'm in remission, so that's good enough to know right now. We told him that the very next day, February 10, was my birthday, and asked him when I could have those long-anticipated foods like sushi, salad and wine. He said he felt that I could have everything, including a glass of wine...in a week! (I kind of knew that would be his doctorly advice, so I waited one day and had a fantastic birthday celebration!!) 

When my last infusion tube was removed, I asked the nurses for a photo, and I joined them all in the nurses station where we danced to Pharrell's song Happy, hugged and took pictures. It was so great! As I walked out of the lab for the last time, Rowena yelled, "We don't want to see you again!". I wasn't expecting to be teary but I was, probably because it's been my home since September 29th, and the nurses have been my family, taking care of me and making me feel safe in a place full of scary diseases and tubes and crazy strong medications. Gus asked me if they were happy tears or sad and I couldn't even tell.

So I was already weepy when we pulled up to my house and I saw all the pink heart balloons, decorations and flowers! For some reason Gus was recording me - that's because Sylvia had been in contact with him. So had Sherri, who joined me when I walked inside my house and saw more balloons, including congrats and happy birthday, a bottle of wine and two special wine glasses (cheers and congrats) and a fantastic end-of-chemo sign that she made. Ah, more tears! So amazing to see and feel all the love. I was overwhelmed, joyful and grateful.

And tired. I slept well that night and was thrilled to get more flowers throughout my birthday day. After a birthday breakfast and visit to the stables with Mary, I got a fantastic birthday present... my Broviac was removed! No more weird tube sticking out of my body, no more twice a day flushing! So exciting! And to top off the day, a fabulously special birthday dinner with Gus and a beautiful and meaningful birthday gift. I had one of the happiest birthdays ever!

Erika came to visit over the weekend and we had an amazing time as usual with a crazy beach day and Fred's Coronaritas, wine tasting, sushi, and coffee of course. (Allie is coming to visit in April to celebrate the end of radiation). My friends and Gus helped me continue my birthday celebration for a couple of weeks with lots of fun activities, good food and drinks that I've missed! One day Gus and I jogged along the beach and played tennis. I felt so great at the time but then needed extra sleep for the following week! And I rested and napped, broke a tooth and had a root canal, focused on recovering from chemo and prepared for the next phase of treatment which starts tomorrow. 

Some of my chemo side effects are diminishing, like the heartburn, congestion and insomnia. The hair on my head is growing back, mostly on the sides. I have now lost all my eyelashes and most all my eyebrows. I started taking Tamoxifen.

So thankful for the caring family, friends and medical team that God has used to surround me on this journey. "You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:12

The Light at the End

Well it's finally here. The last day of chemo is tomorrow. After 15 Mondays spent in the Kaiser Hematology/Oncology infusion lab, tomorrow is my last one. I have mixed emotions. I've got a routine, and generally know what to expect in my daily life. All that is going to change.

I've done some research (of course I have haha) on what to expect once treatment ends.  I have been eager to sign up for a celebratory 5k as soon as possible, and was looking forward to start hiking again and playing tennis. I read that it takes the same amount of time to get back to normal life as the amount of time from the date of my suspicious mammogram until the last day of treatment. I should be finished with radiation in early April, so that would mean that after radiation ends, I may be about nine months away from feeling normal, or actually my "new" normal. Apparently there will be lingering and accumulated effects of everything, starting with surgery and anesthesia to chemo and radiation. Plus, there's the hormone therapy for the next five to ten years. So tomorrow I complete one phase of my treatment and still have several more phases to go. I'll have a new schedule for radiation, and I'll get used to it and then it, too, will end. I guess all I can do is take one day at a time, and be thankful for each one of those days. Tomorrow is my last day of chemo, and for that I'm definitely thankful.

Last week my dear friend Christie took the day off to take me to chemo and then to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Yum! We had a good day! I had another good day on Tuesday, down days Wednesday and Thursday, then good days again. I know tomorrow will definitely be good day!

January

This month has gone by quickly. I have my chemo routine down, and generally know what to expect the rest of the week. There was just a little post-holiday blues, more down days than usual, but lots of good things to balance it all out. I've eaten Cuban, Italian, Chinese, seafood, good old American, my first dim sum, and Filipino. There was a treat of fresh strawberries, only because we bought them from a stand and knew they were grown organically and picked right there in Anaheim Hills, and Gus washed them about four or five times!

I've seen some movies (we know where to sit for minimal crowd contact), Unbroken and American Sniper, and finally watched the movie that's been sitting on my coffee table for about a month, Philomena. I've had coffee & breakfasts, lunches & dinners out with friends, played bunco with the church girls, worked on my bible study, done lots of research on tons of things, and added a new old vase to my small carnival glass collection. I had a fun outing to get my make-up done by my lovely and talented niece, Diana, who works for Bobbi Brown. I've also done a lot of office work. Finally finished shredding 30 years of bills and receipts. My shredder died so I had to borrow one to finish the job! Too many phone calls and emails, trips to the post office, Auto Club, car repair. 

I was also surprised by some unexpected expenses. The car repair was unexpected. I needed a smog for my registration and wouldn't you know, it didn't pass. $400 later, it passed. And I'm getting new health insurance next month, courtesy of Covered California, with a delightful monthly premium of $513. And that is with my premium assistance! I have to get the platinum insurance due to my ongoing treatment, and I also now have copays, plus a 10% coinsurance for all my "special" appointments, treatments and chemo meds. I don't even know what to expect. But God is working it all out like He did previously. A large bill I was paying was paid off in December, just in time for me to pay my large premium this month. Amazing grace!

The chemo side effects now include more of each, in no particular order: metal mouth taste, runny nose and weepy eyes, congestion, insomnia, fatigue, tire easily when walking, heartburn, a few queasy moments, weight gain, sore body, dry mouth, brows and lashes nearly gone, menopause hot flashes, and of course the chemo foggy brain where I can't remember the key word of any given thought in a sentence. I'm trying to focus on my health and not worry about what I'm going to do next (when do I start job hunting? And for what? Aagghhh!) I've been looking up 5k runs to do, and I want to start now, but then I think, "what am I thinking?" I can't even go up the stairs without panting! I know it will take some time to get back to normal after chemo is finished, but at least I know that it will happen (but when???!!!). And if nothing out of the ordinary happens in the next two weeks, I will have Chemo #16, my last chemo, on February 9th! Only two more treatments to go! 

Photos top to bottom: Chemo #11, 1/5/15, with Sherri, Chemo #12, 1/12/15, with Darlene, Chemo #13, 1/19/15, with Holly (new baby hair fuzz!), Chemo #14, 1/26/15, with Holly (starting to see some black hairs in the fuzzy mix!)

Resolution Time

Hope everyone had a beautiful Christmas. Mine was different and fantastic, filled with family, a few easy errands, baking, some of our traditional movies (Little Women, The Holiday, White Christmas), great gifts, yummy food and fun games. I felt better last week, not as tired and more energy, of course because of the excitement of the holiday and having one of my kids home.

Chemo #10 December 29

Sylvia, my sweet friend from church, actually took the day off work to take me to my morning appointment, breakfast, and chemo! On her day off, she spent the whole day with me, and I'm sure grateful. She brought me a necklace that a friend of hers made and a blingy travel cup, both perfect for my "situation". I love them both.

I can fight like a girl because the Lord is my strength!

The pharmacist was worried about my low blood pressure. The staff is always worried about my low blood pressure! I guess it's my normal, and better than high blood pressure. I gained a few Christmas cookie pounds. My nurse, Berta, was happy with my blood flow through the Broviac. Apparently not everyone takes good care of their catheter or port. Of course I follow directions, and have never missed a flushing. She tried to give me Benadryl again, saying it would prevent a bad reaction from the Paclitaxel but I told her I didn't have a reaction without it last week so I didn't need it, so I just got Zyrtec, Pepcid and Dexamethasone for premeds. Learned something new again. In the infusion room where I get my treatments there are many different types of patients, not just chemo patients. There's a blood disorder that causes a person's body to make too much blood, so they have to remove some of the person's blood because it will become the consistency of sludge. What? Our bodies do some weird things sometimes.

Chemo went quickly with no issues, only felt a bit lightheaded at the beginning and then fine. The older woman next to me was having her last treatment. Her daughter had brought her two little kids and since they don't allow children under 12, the daughter had to leave. It didn't seem like it was the woman's last day, no happy signs or balloons or anything special. But I'm sure the fact that it was her last treatment was special to her!

This is the only moment Sylvia and I stopped talking!

I felt good when I got home. The dogs seemed to have a lot of energy so I thought I'd play a game of hide and seek with them. I tried to covertly go up the stairs to hide but they kept following me. The third time I tried I made it up without them seeing me, and hid behind the bathroom door. However, I was breathing so hard that I couldn't wait for them to find me, and had to come out while they were still looking. I had a hard time catching my breath just from that short burst of activity - that's what chemo does to you.

I was tired early and probably should have gone to bed before I did. I woke up thinking it was later than it was - the darn clock said 1:48am. I stayed in bed and read "I am Malala" until around 4am, and then I think I was able to take a few cat naps until around 6, when I read some more until coming downstairs at 7 to light the fire and a candle and get my first cup of coffee. Corona is having a cold snap and it's supposed to rain today. So nice.

At some point during my night of insomnia I started thinking about new year's resolutions. I seem to always have the same ones, and this year is no different, except this year getting healthy takes on a whole new meaning. So often in our daily lives we focus too much on what we can't do. It's too hard, I don't have time, I don't have enough money, I'm too (name it), I'm not (name it), other people continue to hurt me/stifle me/prevent me from/cause me to, etc. When you have the kind of wake up calls that I had this year, you better heed the call to change. I am determined to do what I can do right now. And friends, why wait until you have these kinds of wake-up calls? You don't need to lose your job, get divorced, or have a cancer diagnosis to make a change. Have that hard conversation with yourself, have it with the loved one in the important relationship you are struggling with.  Life is short, and you seriously NEVER know what's going to happen to mess up your carefully laid plans. Don't wait. Take steps, whether baby steps or a giant leap, to create your happiness NOW. Not when you retire or when your spouse retires, not when your kids are older or when your parents are no longer around. We fool ourselves into thinking it will be easier sometime down the road. We avoid confrontation, both with others and with ourselves. We avoid going to the doctor when we know we should because we are afraid of what we might hear. But you know what, it doesn't get easier, no matter how long we wait. And maybe we end up wasting a lot of time when we could have been happy, and helped others to be happy, too.

I'm a big advocate of counseling, and would recommend it to anyone. If you are having marriage issues and your spouse won't go, go by yourself. If there are any challenges, questions, decisions you are hung up on, working through them with a counselor is a great option. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a professional help you to move forward to create the life you deserve. And when you feel good about yourself, and have hope for the future, you can experience joy in your present circumstances regardless of what they are and you'll be enough and have enough to give and receive the love God wants for you.

As 2015 quickly approaches, I resolve to put my health, relationships, and the creation of a new and fulfilling future as my priorities. And I will do this by putting God first. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may OVERFLOW with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Ok, If We're Being Honest...

I was told there would be good days and bad days, and last week I met the bad days in person.

The fatigue hit me like never before. I had no energy, no motivation, and no desire to part ways with the couch. Luckily, I had a lot I could do from the couch. Paying bills, calling companies, researching options for my new health insurance situation, completing an online survey for the American Cancer Society. I got a movie I'd been wanting to see out of the bag of movies
Christie lent me and the best I could do was place it on the coffee table. I had no desire to even put it in the DVD player and watch it!

One day I slept in, got up and did my flushing, had coffee and a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, and went back to bed. Fortunately sweet Debra offered to buy me a few things at Stater's, and milk and the Cap'n Crunch were two of them. I got a new book on my Kindle, I Am Malala, and tried to read it, then got sidetracked and had to do some research on Sunni Islam, the history of Pakistan and the new report on Dr. Oz. I did run a few short errands - post office to mail Allie's box, shopping with Gus for my Rescue Mission child, a nice lunch with Theresa - but my mood was about as low as my energy (I'll go so far as to say I felt depressed) and I just couldn't shake it.

Besides all that, along with the side effects I've previously mentioned, some new ones have made themselves known. It appears that menopause wants me to join the ranks of women who flash. Day and night, with no warning, the heat comes on and my hat, scarf and sweatshirt come off. If I'm wearing all those clothes it's because I am seriously nearly completely bald now, and my head and neck get chilly. The downstairs of my house gets chilly, too, so I layer. I have several friends who have told me about their experiences with hot flashes - now I know firsthand what it's like and it's intense. I've had allergies since November 16, when we went to Ontario Mills in the big Santa Ana winds. I haven't had allergies like this for years, and have been taking the Walgreens brand of Zyrtec D every day since. AND my nurse may be wrong when she said if I hadn't already lost my brows and lashes then I wouldn't. One morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed those little hairs were a lot more sparse than the day before, and now it seems like I'm losing a few more each day. There's some other body things happening that I don't need to mention here, which makes a lot of body drama going on.

Add to all this some anger, sadness, bitterness and disappointment about some life issues and throw in a little bit of concern about the future and there you have it. The bad week I was warned about. Now I'm not writing this for sympathy or because I'm in any way inspirational. I'm including it in my blog because I am documenting my personal journey through breast cancer. I still know I'm very fortunate that my low days have been few and far between, and so many other patients have struggles far exceeding mine. I just want to be honest and transparent that I'm not always as strong as I appear.

By the weekend I felt a bit better, and was able to get dressed up with Gabby and attend Gus's lovely work party in Costa Mesa. There were Victorian carolers, fancy appetizers (no tuna tartare for me) and wine (did I have one glass???). The dinner was fantastic, and our table mates, Brenden & Sarah and Steve & Theresa, were a fun bunch. Gus and I also tried Seven Seas in Corona for Thai food, and that was delicious. It was also a nice surprise to run into Erika's friends Josh and Kaitlyn. 

Chemo #9 December 22

Blood draw and dressing change, as usual. Rafi does the best job with my dressing change. It was already a warm, spring-like day at 11am, so my hat came off and I rocked the bald look in my car, at Kaiser, Office Depot and McDonald's. I had another double cheeseburger craving, and this time ate two. Oops. Came back home to meet my parents who came out from Banning to be my chemo companions. They did a few chores for me while I ate and then we battled traffic to get to Kaiser.

Sharing the experience with Dad and Mom.

I had Doni, a nurse I've never had before. She was so sweet and caring, and did something wonderful for me. She changed my pre-meds from Benedryl to Zyrtec, and my quality of chemo life improved immensely! I continued to speak normally and stayed awake the entire time! I started treatment at 1:15, and after reading some magazines, talking with my mom, and playing a high-spirited game of War with her, I was finished by 3:30. As I always learn something new at each session, I thought I'd ask about my end-of-chemo party. As I suspected, I will need to wait a week (hopefully that's all but I'll have to follow up with my oncologist) before having the end-of-chemo party that I'm dreaming about. The one with adult beverages & a big salad bar, sushi & sashimi, eggs over-medium, fresh berries of all kinds, and brie with fresh pears and raw honey! There goes my birthday party, too! Oh well, if anything I'm practicing patience and restraint, and I can always have cupcakes! 

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Let There Be Light

All in all last week was a good one. My generous parents had my carpet cleaned for me - it's been so long I can't even remember the last time it was professionally done. Clean house, clean dogs and clean carpet for Christmas! It's so nice! I was able to do some shopping, a few dinners and breakfasts out, and even some yard work. Gus helped me with my Christmas tree and hung the house lights.  Since I have to rest and focus on my health, I'll enjoy my home while I'm doing it!

Chemo #8 December 15

Fourth treatment of Taxol out of 12 total. Gus was my chemo driver and partner, and I was really looking forward to introducing him to all my Filipino nurses! He got to see how the blood is drawn and the dressing is changed. We had a big lunch at the usual chemo day place, and were ready to start at 1:30.

The calm before the Benedryl storm!

I had my choice of chairs because it wasn't very busy so I sat at the end of the room by the window. Ben was my nurse, and we had a good time with him. The chemo experience is different than I thought it would be. Partly because of the room layout; most of the chairs, except for the the four at the end of the room, are next to each other with lots of space and machines in between making it difficult to talk to your neighbors. Plus, I never recognize any other patients there. I have treatments every week and it seems like that isn't very common, I guess most people go every three weeks. And it's so quiet! Many people seem to want to sleep or read while they are getting their treatments, and I want to laugh! I made Gus play Heads Up with me, and not only were we laughing, but so were Ben and the woman across from me. We were playing that game when my oncologist came out to talk with me.

He asked me how I was doing with treatments and I told him "great". He asked about the peripheral neuropathy, and he was surprised when I told him I haven't had any. Apparently as treatments progress I could develop this side effect but we shall have to wait and see. He reminded me that when chemo is finished I will start radiation and also begin taking Tamoxifen. I will take this drug because the type of breast cancer I had (past tense now, yay!) was hormone-receptor positive. Hormone-receptor positive breast cancers need estrogen and/or progesterone to grow, and tamoxifen blocks estrogen from attaching to the receptor. I will take Tamoxifen for at least five years and possibly up to ten, which will probably be a daily reminder that I've had breast cancer (and am beating it, too!)

The doctor then patiently answered all my questions from my list... Me: Can I play tennis? Dr: (surprised) Do you FEEL like playing tennis? I haven't played tennis in awhile because of tendonitis. Let's wait until you are finished with chemo. Me: Can I go to the dentist? Volunteer? Drink wine? (not surprised, he said he knew I'd ask him that one haha) Dr: Let's wait. Me: What about this pain in my arm, like it's pulling? It seems to be getting worse. I'm trying to stretch it out and do arm weights. Dr: That is common after lymph nodes are removed. Keep stretching and lifting, it will help prevent lymphodema. Me: When am I DONE? Dr: Your last cycle is on January 26 (Gus and I were surprised and excited until we clarified that the four Taxol cycles are three weeks' long, which makes my last chemo on February 9, which is still a few weeks' earlier than I thought and my birthday week! I'm half way through my total ACT chemo!) One last question, something that has been bothering me as I've been doing more research. Was I really Stage III? The doctor said according to him, I was Stage IIB (none of us could remember why the previous oncologist said I was Stage III). He also said it doesn't matter because it doesn't affect my treatment. But to me it DOES matter, and you can bet I'll take Stage IIB over Stage III! 

The Benedryl kicked in while I was talking with my oncologist and made it difficult to think and speak. I'm glad Gus could translate for me because 50 mgs of Benedryl directly into my bloodstream just isn't pretty! After the doctor visit, we played a few more rounds of Heads Up before I just had to close my eyes. I seriously could not stay awake! We were finished at 4:00, an hour and a half for premeds and only an hour for the Taxol. I crashed as soon as I got home, took a three hour nap, got up for dinner and The Voice, and went to bed around 11. I was very fortunate to get more sleep this Monday night, although I woke up often I was able to fall back asleep and didn't wake up for good until 5:30 this morning. 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and in between is Christmas and New Years. Lots of light, both literally and figuratively! "My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident. No wonder I can sing your praises!" Psalm 57:7

Early Morning Thoughts from a Chemo Insomniac

Yesterday was Chemo #7, and if I've slept an hour I'd be surprised.

The Tuesday after Chemo #5 (November 25), the first Taxol treatment, I had enough energy for seven people. I didn't sleep much that Monday night so thought I'd be exhausted on Tuesday and take a nap. Nope. I had so many projects going, and stuff to do to get ready for my trip. Thanksgiving was fantastic! Being with my entire family is the joy of my life, and it was everything I had hoped it would be! I was still fighting the allergies, and even took cold meds for my symptoms. I rested more than I wanted, but I needed to. I wore my mask once, and drank "fine" (fake wine, and there's no point, it doesn't taste anything like wine unlike non-alcoholic beer, which tastes pretty good and closer to the real thing) with Thanksgiving dinner. Anyway, the long detour to Phoenix and the mega traffic back through Palm Springs was entirely worth the wonderful time I had with all my loves.

Chemo #6 went well on December 1, again with me taking myself to my blood draw and dressing change, and Sandy dropping me off at chemo and Mary bringing me a Miguel's burrito before taking me home. The Benedryl nearly put me out, and I thought maybe it was because I hadn't eaten, so I won't make that mistake again. First time I've ever eaten an entire bean, cheese and shredded beef burrito in one sitting! Came home and took a long nap, then couldn't sleep much that night.

Mary took the picture and wouldn't get in it.

On Tuesday and Wednesday we had rain in Southern California for the first time in forever. People here get crazy when it rains, the excitement is all over facebook haha. I turned my fireplace on, lit my pumpkin candle and fixed hot mochas (and later grilled cheese and tomato soup!) for my friend Estelle and I. She brought me homemade quiche, apple pie, and a beautiful hand-knitted hat and gloves made with soft yarn she bought in Europe.

I was very tired all week and didn't do a whole lot. On Thursday, Holly sent her housecleaner over to clean my house! Oh my, Maricela was a gem! My kitchen, bathrooms (including tubs/showers), and floors were spotless. She cleaned my blinds, changed my bed, and did my laundry. The house became dust-free and dog-hair free; even if just for a little while it looked and felt fantastic! I am so incredibly blessed by the generosity of the people God has placed in my life. Thank you so much Holly!

Friday I had both dogs groomed so they wouldn't stink up the nice, clean house. I normally bathe Kianne myself but haven't been up to it lately, she's big! I was blessed again when my parents came over, did my grocery shopping and we got my Christmas decorations down from the garage. We had Chinese take-out for dinner, and I remembered that I'm not supposed to have soy sauce (no soy of any kind) which changes everything about Chinese food! Saturday I decorated, and we had a lovely outing for really good mediterranean food and a trip to a couple of stores, thinking (correctly) that the late evening would be less crowded and I wouldn't need to wear a mask. Sunday I had a major allergy attack, and basically spent the day sneezing and blowing my nose, and yelling at the Chargers for letting the Patriots win.

And now the sun is coming up on a quiet Tuesday morning.

Yesterday, Chemo #7, I went to Kaiser for my usual pre-work, and then got the McDonald's double cheeseburger I'd been craving. I never eat McD's, but at least their cheeseburgers come without lettuce or tomato so I didn't feel like I was missing out. My friend and neighbor Debra took me to chemo and it was just like our coffee dates at Starbucks, except without the coffee and hipster tunes. I just love sharing the chemo experience with my friends and family! Again, I learned something new. When my nurse, Rowena, asked me how I felt the last two times after my new chemo, I told her about all my energy on the first Tuesday. She said it's the steroid in my infusion (dexamethasone) that causes it, as well as insomnia, for the first couple of days after treatment. Ah, I remember someone writing in a recent blog post about how important it is to understand one's disease and TREATMENT. During yesterday's chemo, the Benedryl got to me again, and while I was talking nonstop, I slurred my words in between yawns. Good thing I had a ride home!

Debra was impressed by the nurses who all seem to like their jobs!

I could have easily fallen asleep on the couch as soon as I walked in the door but I kept myself awake in the mistaken belief that maybe not taking a nap would help me to sleep through the night. HA! I couldn't go to sleep, maybe I took a cat nap, and turned my light on at 12:45 am so I could read. At 2:00 I finally just got up. I made some hot mocha, washed dishes, cleaned out some drawers and cupboards downstairs, shredded some stuff upstairs, and went up and down the stairs taking different things to different rooms to put away. The dogs followed me around the house for awhile, confused, and finally gave up and went back to bed where they currently remain. 

Along with the double edged sword of energy and insomnia, I've got more bald spots but still have some nubs on my head. The main spot of dark-haired nubs on the back of my head has started hurting, maybe that means they are going to fall out soon? My fingernail beds are grossly discolored and definitely need to be covered with nail polish. The tips of my fingers are dry and peeling a bit. Sometimes I have no appetite, neither feeling hungry nor full, or I have a metal taste when eating, or maybe I don't really taste the food at all. I've started lifting three pound hand weights and am being careful as I feel a slight "pull" in my left arm that must be from the surgery. If I don't have an abundance of energy, I'm fatigued. But you know what? I'm taking advantage of my feel good time to get stuff done around the house that was left for me to do! I am enjoying my decorations and getting into the holiday spirit! I am spending time with family and good friends! I am focusing on my health and healing! So in the words of Solomon, "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." (Ecclesiastes 7:14) Plus, I know that since this is only temporary, "Better is the end of a thing than the beginning of it, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit." (Ecclesiastes 7:8)

You know what else? I can choose to be happy while I am patient! Life is good!

T is for Take That, Cancer!

Today was Chemo #5.

I've been fighting something for the past week, pretty sure it's allergies but it got me down. The wind, and cleaning out the garage with all the dust, plus an interrupted sleep schedule and a compromised immune system equals problems.  Prayed that I'd feel better today and that the results from today's blood test would be good enough for chemo.

My prayers were answered. Slept well last night, and felt better when I awoke. Sandy B. and her granddaughter were my escorts this morning. My weight on the scale was a few pounds less and my blood pressure was low. We did a recheck of the blood pressure but not the weight haha. I love taking someone with me to experience my blood draws and dressing changes. They are so interested in the procedures and ask great questions. Today Sandy asked the nurse what the "circle thing" was that she stuck to my chest where the catheter tube enters my skin. The nurse said it slowly releases antibiotics for seven days to prevent infection. Oh! So that's why I need a dressing change every seven days. Makes sense.

Sandy treated us to a tasty breakfast at the usual place near Kaiser, then she dropped me off in time for my 1:00 chemo appointment. Today was a tag team effort. I read a magazine while Rowena prepped my pre-meds. Pre-meds included saline for hydration, Dexamethasone for nausea prevention and to inhibit allergic reactions, Benedryl to "make me drunk" (Rowena said since I can't drink alcohol on Thanksgiving, she would get me drunk today! Actually it was to relax me because I was getting a new drug and she wasn't sure how my body would react). Mary arrived at 2:00 with water and snacks, and got to witness the effects of the Benedryl. She and Rowena were laughing at me because I really couldn't speak, and I was laughing at myself as I tripped over my tongue and slurred my words!

Once I had all my pre-meds it was time for the real thing. The third part of my ACT regimen, Taxol. It comes from a plant and attacks the cancer cell when it tries to divide and replicate itself. Some good, very detailed information on Taxol can be found here Taxol info. Because it's a new drug being introduced to my body, Rowena spaced out the drip to give my body time to adjust. If I felt "different" or my face got flushed I was supposed to tell Rowena, but luckily I felt fine. Today's chemo session took four hours, and it will be the same next Monday. Then it should only be about an hour every Monday after that.

A woman waiting for her dressing change came up to me and asked me if there was anything I could eat with my nausea. I was initially confused, because I haven't been nauseated. This poor woman said she is losing weight because she can't eat anything, nothing sounds or smells good, and she's having a hard time keeping food down. I told her that my anti-nausea meds have worked wonderfully, and she told us that she hasn't been taking her meds. Aha! I've been taking my meds as prescribed, on schedule, never waiting until I actually felt bad but instead taking preventive measures. Mary and I told her to take her meds on schedule, and then she said something that indicated that she didn't quite understand her meds and their instructions, but was going to ask the pharmacist. Thank goodness. I hope they straightened things out so she can eat. It's so important to understand all aspects of your illness, treatment and medications.

The bad news today - no wine with my Thanksgiving dinner. Rowena again made it clear that it's not good for me, so I will bring my non-alcoholic wine from World Market. Also, one of the main side effects is peripheral neuropathy (hands and feet tingle and go numb), which may get better by dunking my hands and feet in very cold water (what?). The good news is really good - nausea is not a main side effect from this drug. I still have my pills just in case I need them, but maybe I won't. And...Rowena said if I haven't lost my eyelashes and eyebrows by now, I most likely won't!!! I can tell that I 've lost some of each, but if I can keep the rest, woohoo!

On Thanksgiving I'm going to wear Gabby, mascara and a bit of eyebrow pencil. Looks like I'm gonna be the fancy one in the family!!!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good." Psalm 136:1 Happy Thanksgiving!

Identity Crisis

Last week I started feeling restless. Maybe because I finished the first four cycles of my chemo, or because I felt pretty good. Maybe I'm just getting comfortable with my routine of chemo, recovery, flushing weird body tubes, stomach shots, and being nearly bald. The reality of being in treatment hit again today when I discovered that energy level is a real thing. My little three hour outing tired me out! To Kaiser for my dressing change and to pick up two bags of flushing supplies, then to the 91 Express Lanes office, and finally to Stater's for a few groceries. Fast walking from my car to Oncology made me breathe so heavily that the receptionist made a comment to me. And walking to the car with my two large pharmacy bags completed the strenuous exercise I would do today (sorry dogs, no walk). Yesterday we braved Ontario Mills for about an hour and it was more than enough. I wore my mask on my doctor's orders ("Avoid crowds but if you can't, wear a mask"). Afterward my nap was longer than my outing! I guess for awhile my restless brain will have to accept my tired body.

Time (obviously) marches on. It's already been two and a half months since my surgery (almost fully healed) and I still have five or so months of treatments left. I can't help wondering what's next. At the moment I'm so excited for my entire family to be together for Thanksgiving! Family get-togethers are what I live for, and this will be one of the most special ones ever! There will be lots of firsts in one weekend. I'll be starting my new chemo drugs on the 24th, and traveling on the 26th. My nurse said that will be my "low" day, but since I'm a car passenger, I'm not too concerned. In fact, I'm confident that I will feel fantastic the entire trip and able to enjoy every last moment!

Along with happy new memories to make, there are old memories to deal with. Being somewhere you didn't expect to be in midlife is both scary and exhilarating. Figuring out who I am now and what I want from the next phase of my life will help me determine where I'm going. My current identity consists of being a divorced, unemployed chemo patient diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. However, as my loved ones are good at reminding me, being a chemo patient is temporary. I may have to take chemo drugs for the next five to ten years, but I will no longer be a chemo patient with a bald head and a tube in my chest! Right now, living in the present moment, I must focus on being a (temporary!) chemo patient, meaning that I must put all my energy toward healing and staying healthy. And once I'm finished with my treatment, I believe the rest will fall into place. I'll be able to pursue job opportunities and will feel confident to start something new. I'll move forward with plans for the future because I'll be spending this "down time" cleaning up my past (note to self: do not look at family photo albums or shred 30 years of tax documents while listening to The Fray). My life may not be proceeding according to my plan or at the pace I'd like it to, but at least it's proceeding! And I know that God has good things in the works for me.

The only thing that won't change is the fact that I had breast cancer. But "had" will be the operative word, and I will not let it be my identity.


Patience! "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

Faith! "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Identity! "For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:26

You Can Take Care of Yourself AND Enjoy Life

Gabby and I went to our first event, and Gus accompanied us. We joined Chris and Holly at our dear family friends' wedding. Jeremy and Emily were married in a lovely and very personal ceremony on Saturday afternoon in San Clemente. The reception was super fun, with a delicious dinner, sweet and funny toasts, and as much dancing as I could handle (always love that cupid shuffle!). So blessed to be able to share in the Wise family's special day!

Holly, Gabby and I whooping it up!

Sunday was a recovery day. Happily I made it to church, though, and after hugging seven people without asking anyone if they were sick, I plopped myself down next to my two bodyguards, Penny and Sandy B., and they took care of me during the rest of the service! Several people told me that they pray for me daily, Shelly bought me a cute and yummy sugar cookie, Sylvia reminded me that the girls have my upcoming bunco food handled, Sandy got herself scheduled for my next chemo day, and Louise booked herself to bring me a meal. I think my church family is awesome!

Home for the rest of the day for football and Louise's homemade tortilla soup. She brought all the fixins to go with it, along with a chocolate silk pie and some  pumpkiny goodies. So sweet of her! Made me feel better after the Giants loss.

Monday November 10, Chemo #4. Holly picked me up and dropped off everything for a carne asada dinner! What a nice surprise! Plus homemade banana bread and a Starbucks PSL. Off to Kaiser for my blood draw and dressing change with Cora. My friends and family find the blood draw through Pixie, my catheter, facinating. Had omelets for brunch, then back to Kaiser for the last of the first chemo regimen! The AC part of the ACT is done! No more red devil! Woohoo!

Rowena was my nurse for the first time. All my nurses have been great, but she's my new favorite. She was really funny and fun, and also very informative, explaining all kinds of things about my treatment and how I need to take care of myself and how we are a team to get me well. Of course we had Kimmy with us, but the funny thing is, Holly and I never even looked in her! We didn't read one magazine, or play one game, we just enjoyed talking the entire time! And the two and a half hours flew by!

Holly and I at Kaiser, a bit more subdued!

And now for some advice for you women, and the women in your life (and any human actually). The healthier you are, the better. I feel like I was reasonably healthy going into this cancer thing. Sure I could have been healthier, I could have been in better shape, but I was not a couch potato and I ate a balanced, nutritious diet. And I believe it has helped. Walking is fantastic exercise, and brisk walking is best for cardio. I enjoy getting outside to do it, but if you like a treadmill, do that!  If you have a gym membership, use it! If you don't, dance around the house! Take the stairs! Anything you can do to add activity to your lifestyle. We also need to stretch our bodies (do yoga or just stretch) and build our strength (arm weights, a full workout or on the couch while watching tv). A healthy lifestyle may reduce your chances of getting breast cancer, and if you do get it, I believe you will handle it better.

Next, know your breast cancer risk. Learn about your family history, and also keep in mind that while family history is important, it isn't always an indicator (as I discovered). 

Know your normal. Familiarize yourself with what your breasts are like and pay attention to any signs of change. Look at yourself in the mirror, do regular self exams. And if you have any gut feelings that something isn't right, pay attention to your intuition and don't wait to have it checked out. I have dense breast tissue which makes it difficult to see in a normal mammogram. I had an ultrasound back in 2012 because they thought they saw something and they ended up clearing me. Then last year there was no additional screening recommended beyond my regular mammogram, even though I showed them my ultrasound films. But my surgeon said I had the tumor for five years! Maybe I should have insisted on a second mammo or ultrasound. I also noticed a change in my nipple early this past spring. I knew it was a change, but I didn't have health insurance at the time. I did bring it up to my primary doctor, who wasn't concerned, saying breast changes during menopause were common. After I was diagnosed, I asked my surgeon about it, and he said it could have been an indicator of the breast cancer or maybe not. But at least it was something to pay attention to.

Know when to get screened. You should start clinical breast exams at age 20, and mammograms at 40. If you have family history, tell your doctor. You need to know who had breast cancer, how old they were when diagnosed, and their age if they died from it. If you have a family history, ask your doctor when you should start having mammograms, and if you don't like the answer and want one, insist upon it. Early detection is key to fighting this disease if you get it, and I pray that none of you will.

For me, for now, through everything, life is good.

Side Effects are Overrated

Well chemo cycle #3 was the opposite of #2. I was really tired the first week, and had an abundance of energy the second week. I took advantage of it, too! I met various friends for coffee (Debra!), breakfast (Jessy!) and lunch (Shineah and Charles with Gus!). Two other friends brought me delicious home-cooked dinners (Claudia with a short visit and Mary with a long one!). I did some projects around the house, and took myself out for a couple long days of shopping, a mani-pedi, and errands (including voting). I had a GREAT week, and paid for it yesterday with a headache and needing a nap. Totally worth it!

Gus and I were talking about how well I'm doing. After the chemo orientation, learning about all the possible side effects and becoming overwhelmed by everything, all we could wonder was what would happen to me and when. I have indeed experienced side effects, but they have been surprisingly mild compared to what they could be. I've only been nauseated a few times and have never lost it. Sometimes my taste buds don't seem to work but that hasn't impacted my ability to eat, even when I can't tell if I'm hungry or full. My stomach issue has been cured with prune juice, and heartburn with over-the-counter antacids. I have never had bone pain with the stomach shots, and if I remember not to drink a lot in the evening, I won't wake up to use the bathroom more than a few times instead of three or four. Yes I'm tired. But that's just a reminder of how hard my body is working in conjunction with the chemo to make sure that the cancer is wiped out completely. It's hard to know if the headaches are treatment-related, weather-related, or menopause-related. I've only had a few mouth sores that weren't even that bad, and have fought off a few cold sores. My nail beds on both my fingers and toes are discolored, but I took care of that with a few coats of nail polish! 

Then there's the hair loss. Surprised it's taking so long, but every day I notice a little bit more bald than stubs on my head. No more need to shave as the hair on my legs and underarms is not growing back. So far I still have eyebrows and eyelashes, but must have lost some nose hair because my nose is running a lot haha!

I so appreciate the cards I get in the mail, the personal texts checking in to see how I'm doing, and the phone calls to chat. My friends and family who understand how isolating it is to be home alone have made this journey so much easier. The thoughtful acts mean a lot, like Sherri doing my grocery shopping, Sylvia dropping off a card with a little book called "God is Always Watching Over You", Jen bringing Starbucks, my parents with their generous Costco deliveries, and just everything Gus does for me. The gracious gifts are nice, too. Sweet Jessy brought me back some special things from "St. Lebanon". And Gus's nephew and niece, Nick and Jessica, sent over two cute hats. Yesterday mom gave me a cute necklace that says "Love" and the "L" is shaped like a pink ribbon. And I got the best homemade bracelet in the mail from Allie that says "God gave me you".

Blessed to be feeling well as I head into chemo #4 on Monday, and immensely grateful to God for giving me all the wonderful people in my life!

Chemo Realities

Last week the fatigue set in. I don't even know what I did all week, I was so tired. Wondered what was wrong with me and discovered it's the chemo. I thought that since the first cycle went so well, all subsequent cycles would be the same! Ha! Apparently it gets harder, not easier! Great.

I got some nice gifts in the mail, cute beanies from Shineah (who sweetly thought of me on her trip to Oregon!) and Pat (who is going through her own struggles and thought of me). And I had a lovely visit from my old, dear friend Teresa. She brought lunch, and some herbal tea, and a beautiful royal purple blanket. It is literally the softest blanket I've ever felt, and she told me that whenever I use it, think of it as a hug from her. Ahhhh. So thoughtful. I immediately decided to use it during chemo, it's chilly in the chemo room and the blankets are ugly, standard hospital issue. 

The weekend was mellow with a few surprises. A drive down to Encinitas and Del Mar, ending in football, pizza and beer. Yes, I found a good non-alcoholic brew, St. Pauli Girl NA! I was so happy! A few errands, and a delicious dinner with new friends at a beautiful home in Dana Point. Nothing too strenuous.

And Monday, October 27 was Chemo #3.

I was running late because I decided to walk the dogs and take a shower with "hair" washing. For the first time my bandage did not get wet at all! There were lots of little hairs in the drain, it's all coming out slowly but surely. Penny picked me up and did a chore for me that I had been meaning to do for several weeks. It took her a couple of minutes!

Kaiser was running later than I was, eventually Rafi did my dressing change and blood draw. She put on a new kind of dressing, it's clear and pretty cool. The other bandage was starting to cause a rash. After that, Penny took me to lunch and I got fortified with catfish, french fries and cole slaw. She brought me a sweet gift from Edie, my pastor's wife, a cute white cap with a rhinestone pink ribbon on it and a nice journal. We were late getting back from lunch but they still didn't have the results from my blood work so we had to wait.

Finally got a chair and we settled in with all of our stuff. Kimmy, another bag, our big purses, drinks. We looked like we were staying awhile! I was now wearing the beanie Penny picked out from the basket of beanies in the front office. I would not have dug through that basket but Penny did, and found the cutest hat! I don't know who made it but I'm grateful to the mystery donor.

My blanket (and hug from Teresa) was so cozy I almost didn't notice the Red Devil push. Penny worked on a word search and I played a few rounds of Red Herring. Then we played a few rounds of Scattergories. A nurse walked by and said, "Are you really going to play that with chemo brain?" We did, and I think my chemo brain rubbed off on Penny!

Then Penny decided to champion a cause. "Why aren't there tv's in here? They should serve lunch! Massage chairs! With headphones like on an airplane!" She asked the patient across from me if he agreed and he said yes. She asked him how often he had treatments and he said every six weeks. She told him he needed to come back next week to support our cause so that's what he told his nurse! That's my Penny, causing trouble haha!

I didn't get a headache or sinus pain with the second drug but I did get lightheaded again so I got more saline before we left. It was a long day. There was a woman there earlier who seemed to be struggling with pain. As Penny was covering her up with blankets, she told us that her mother brought her but left because it takes too long. I felt sad for her and grateful for Penny. No matter how long the day was, she stuck it out with me and helped me through it with smiles and laughter!

Yesterday I didn't feel as well as I did the weeks' before. I guess each time will be different. My parents came over with cheerful fall-colored flowers, a pumpkin, and some groceries. They did some chores and cooked a delicioso Mexican dinner. I took a long nap, we had a nice visit and watched NCIS. Now if only I could sleep without getting up three (or four?) times because of all the fluid I need to drink! Oh well, that's what naps are for!

I have my twice-a-day flushing routine down, and my shots start again tonight. I will be honest and tell you that this past weekend, before chemo #3, I was already over it. I haven't even lost all my hair yet. When I told Gus, he asked me, "Over what?" I said tearfully, "Everything!"

Today I accept that I am being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that I may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully give thanks to the Father. (Colossians 1:11-12)