T is for Take That, Cancer!

Today was Chemo #5.

I've been fighting something for the past week, pretty sure it's allergies but it got me down. The wind, and cleaning out the garage with all the dust, plus an interrupted sleep schedule and a compromised immune system equals problems.  Prayed that I'd feel better today and that the results from today's blood test would be good enough for chemo.

My prayers were answered. Slept well last night, and felt better when I awoke. Sandy B. and her granddaughter were my escorts this morning. My weight on the scale was a few pounds less and my blood pressure was low. We did a recheck of the blood pressure but not the weight haha. I love taking someone with me to experience my blood draws and dressing changes. They are so interested in the procedures and ask great questions. Today Sandy asked the nurse what the "circle thing" was that she stuck to my chest where the catheter tube enters my skin. The nurse said it slowly releases antibiotics for seven days to prevent infection. Oh! So that's why I need a dressing change every seven days. Makes sense.

Sandy treated us to a tasty breakfast at the usual place near Kaiser, then she dropped me off in time for my 1:00 chemo appointment. Today was a tag team effort. I read a magazine while Rowena prepped my pre-meds. Pre-meds included saline for hydration, Dexamethasone for nausea prevention and to inhibit allergic reactions, Benedryl to "make me drunk" (Rowena said since I can't drink alcohol on Thanksgiving, she would get me drunk today! Actually it was to relax me because I was getting a new drug and she wasn't sure how my body would react). Mary arrived at 2:00 with water and snacks, and got to witness the effects of the Benedryl. She and Rowena were laughing at me because I really couldn't speak, and I was laughing at myself as I tripped over my tongue and slurred my words!

Once I had all my pre-meds it was time for the real thing. The third part of my ACT regimen, Taxol. It comes from a plant and attacks the cancer cell when it tries to divide and replicate itself. Some good, very detailed information on Taxol can be found here Taxol info. Because it's a new drug being introduced to my body, Rowena spaced out the drip to give my body time to adjust. If I felt "different" or my face got flushed I was supposed to tell Rowena, but luckily I felt fine. Today's chemo session took four hours, and it will be the same next Monday. Then it should only be about an hour every Monday after that.

A woman waiting for her dressing change came up to me and asked me if there was anything I could eat with my nausea. I was initially confused, because I haven't been nauseated. This poor woman said she is losing weight because she can't eat anything, nothing sounds or smells good, and she's having a hard time keeping food down. I told her that my anti-nausea meds have worked wonderfully, and she told us that she hasn't been taking her meds. Aha! I've been taking my meds as prescribed, on schedule, never waiting until I actually felt bad but instead taking preventive measures. Mary and I told her to take her meds on schedule, and then she said something that indicated that she didn't quite understand her meds and their instructions, but was going to ask the pharmacist. Thank goodness. I hope they straightened things out so she can eat. It's so important to understand all aspects of your illness, treatment and medications.

The bad news today - no wine with my Thanksgiving dinner. Rowena again made it clear that it's not good for me, so I will bring my non-alcoholic wine from World Market. Also, one of the main side effects is peripheral neuropathy (hands and feet tingle and go numb), which may get better by dunking my hands and feet in very cold water (what?). The good news is really good - nausea is not a main side effect from this drug. I still have my pills just in case I need them, but maybe I won't. And...Rowena said if I haven't lost my eyelashes and eyebrows by now, I most likely won't!!! I can tell that I 've lost some of each, but if I can keep the rest, woohoo!

On Thanksgiving I'm going to wear Gabby, mascara and a bit of eyebrow pencil. Looks like I'm gonna be the fancy one in the family!!!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good." Psalm 136:1 Happy Thanksgiving!

Identity Crisis

Last week I started feeling restless. Maybe because I finished the first four cycles of my chemo, or because I felt pretty good. Maybe I'm just getting comfortable with my routine of chemo, recovery, flushing weird body tubes, stomach shots, and being nearly bald. The reality of being in treatment hit again today when I discovered that energy level is a real thing. My little three hour outing tired me out! To Kaiser for my dressing change and to pick up two bags of flushing supplies, then to the 91 Express Lanes office, and finally to Stater's for a few groceries. Fast walking from my car to Oncology made me breathe so heavily that the receptionist made a comment to me. And walking to the car with my two large pharmacy bags completed the strenuous exercise I would do today (sorry dogs, no walk). Yesterday we braved Ontario Mills for about an hour and it was more than enough. I wore my mask on my doctor's orders ("Avoid crowds but if you can't, wear a mask"). Afterward my nap was longer than my outing! I guess for awhile my restless brain will have to accept my tired body.

Time (obviously) marches on. It's already been two and a half months since my surgery (almost fully healed) and I still have five or so months of treatments left. I can't help wondering what's next. At the moment I'm so excited for my entire family to be together for Thanksgiving! Family get-togethers are what I live for, and this will be one of the most special ones ever! There will be lots of firsts in one weekend. I'll be starting my new chemo drugs on the 24th, and traveling on the 26th. My nurse said that will be my "low" day, but since I'm a car passenger, I'm not too concerned. In fact, I'm confident that I will feel fantastic the entire trip and able to enjoy every last moment!

Along with happy new memories to make, there are old memories to deal with. Being somewhere you didn't expect to be in midlife is both scary and exhilarating. Figuring out who I am now and what I want from the next phase of my life will help me determine where I'm going. My current identity consists of being a divorced, unemployed chemo patient diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. However, as my loved ones are good at reminding me, being a chemo patient is temporary. I may have to take chemo drugs for the next five to ten years, but I will no longer be a chemo patient with a bald head and a tube in my chest! Right now, living in the present moment, I must focus on being a (temporary!) chemo patient, meaning that I must put all my energy toward healing and staying healthy. And once I'm finished with my treatment, I believe the rest will fall into place. I'll be able to pursue job opportunities and will feel confident to start something new. I'll move forward with plans for the future because I'll be spending this "down time" cleaning up my past (note to self: do not look at family photo albums or shred 30 years of tax documents while listening to The Fray). My life may not be proceeding according to my plan or at the pace I'd like it to, but at least it's proceeding! And I know that God has good things in the works for me.

The only thing that won't change is the fact that I had breast cancer. But "had" will be the operative word, and I will not let it be my identity.


Patience! "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

Faith! "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Identity! "For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:26

You Can Take Care of Yourself AND Enjoy Life

Gabby and I went to our first event, and Gus accompanied us. We joined Chris and Holly at our dear family friends' wedding. Jeremy and Emily were married in a lovely and very personal ceremony on Saturday afternoon in San Clemente. The reception was super fun, with a delicious dinner, sweet and funny toasts, and as much dancing as I could handle (always love that cupid shuffle!). So blessed to be able to share in the Wise family's special day!

Holly, Gabby and I whooping it up!

Sunday was a recovery day. Happily I made it to church, though, and after hugging seven people without asking anyone if they were sick, I plopped myself down next to my two bodyguards, Penny and Sandy B., and they took care of me during the rest of the service! Several people told me that they pray for me daily, Shelly bought me a cute and yummy sugar cookie, Sylvia reminded me that the girls have my upcoming bunco food handled, Sandy got herself scheduled for my next chemo day, and Louise booked herself to bring me a meal. I think my church family is awesome!

Home for the rest of the day for football and Louise's homemade tortilla soup. She brought all the fixins to go with it, along with a chocolate silk pie and some  pumpkiny goodies. So sweet of her! Made me feel better after the Giants loss.

Monday November 10, Chemo #4. Holly picked me up and dropped off everything for a carne asada dinner! What a nice surprise! Plus homemade banana bread and a Starbucks PSL. Off to Kaiser for my blood draw and dressing change with Cora. My friends and family find the blood draw through Pixie, my catheter, facinating. Had omelets for brunch, then back to Kaiser for the last of the first chemo regimen! The AC part of the ACT is done! No more red devil! Woohoo!

Rowena was my nurse for the first time. All my nurses have been great, but she's my new favorite. She was really funny and fun, and also very informative, explaining all kinds of things about my treatment and how I need to take care of myself and how we are a team to get me well. Of course we had Kimmy with us, but the funny thing is, Holly and I never even looked in her! We didn't read one magazine, or play one game, we just enjoyed talking the entire time! And the two and a half hours flew by!

Holly and I at Kaiser, a bit more subdued!

And now for some advice for you women, and the women in your life (and any human actually). The healthier you are, the better. I feel like I was reasonably healthy going into this cancer thing. Sure I could have been healthier, I could have been in better shape, but I was not a couch potato and I ate a balanced, nutritious diet. And I believe it has helped. Walking is fantastic exercise, and brisk walking is best for cardio. I enjoy getting outside to do it, but if you like a treadmill, do that!  If you have a gym membership, use it! If you don't, dance around the house! Take the stairs! Anything you can do to add activity to your lifestyle. We also need to stretch our bodies (do yoga or just stretch) and build our strength (arm weights, a full workout or on the couch while watching tv). A healthy lifestyle may reduce your chances of getting breast cancer, and if you do get it, I believe you will handle it better.

Next, know your breast cancer risk. Learn about your family history, and also keep in mind that while family history is important, it isn't always an indicator (as I discovered). 

Know your normal. Familiarize yourself with what your breasts are like and pay attention to any signs of change. Look at yourself in the mirror, do regular self exams. And if you have any gut feelings that something isn't right, pay attention to your intuition and don't wait to have it checked out. I have dense breast tissue which makes it difficult to see in a normal mammogram. I had an ultrasound back in 2012 because they thought they saw something and they ended up clearing me. Then last year there was no additional screening recommended beyond my regular mammogram, even though I showed them my ultrasound films. But my surgeon said I had the tumor for five years! Maybe I should have insisted on a second mammo or ultrasound. I also noticed a change in my nipple early this past spring. I knew it was a change, but I didn't have health insurance at the time. I did bring it up to my primary doctor, who wasn't concerned, saying breast changes during menopause were common. After I was diagnosed, I asked my surgeon about it, and he said it could have been an indicator of the breast cancer or maybe not. But at least it was something to pay attention to.

Know when to get screened. You should start clinical breast exams at age 20, and mammograms at 40. If you have family history, tell your doctor. You need to know who had breast cancer, how old they were when diagnosed, and their age if they died from it. If you have a family history, ask your doctor when you should start having mammograms, and if you don't like the answer and want one, insist upon it. Early detection is key to fighting this disease if you get it, and I pray that none of you will.

For me, for now, through everything, life is good.

Side Effects are Overrated

Well chemo cycle #3 was the opposite of #2. I was really tired the first week, and had an abundance of energy the second week. I took advantage of it, too! I met various friends for coffee (Debra!), breakfast (Jessy!) and lunch (Shineah and Charles with Gus!). Two other friends brought me delicious home-cooked dinners (Claudia with a short visit and Mary with a long one!). I did some projects around the house, and took myself out for a couple long days of shopping, a mani-pedi, and errands (including voting). I had a GREAT week, and paid for it yesterday with a headache and needing a nap. Totally worth it!

Gus and I were talking about how well I'm doing. After the chemo orientation, learning about all the possible side effects and becoming overwhelmed by everything, all we could wonder was what would happen to me and when. I have indeed experienced side effects, but they have been surprisingly mild compared to what they could be. I've only been nauseated a few times and have never lost it. Sometimes my taste buds don't seem to work but that hasn't impacted my ability to eat, even when I can't tell if I'm hungry or full. My stomach issue has been cured with prune juice, and heartburn with over-the-counter antacids. I have never had bone pain with the stomach shots, and if I remember not to drink a lot in the evening, I won't wake up to use the bathroom more than a few times instead of three or four. Yes I'm tired. But that's just a reminder of how hard my body is working in conjunction with the chemo to make sure that the cancer is wiped out completely. It's hard to know if the headaches are treatment-related, weather-related, or menopause-related. I've only had a few mouth sores that weren't even that bad, and have fought off a few cold sores. My nail beds on both my fingers and toes are discolored, but I took care of that with a few coats of nail polish! 

Then there's the hair loss. Surprised it's taking so long, but every day I notice a little bit more bald than stubs on my head. No more need to shave as the hair on my legs and underarms is not growing back. So far I still have eyebrows and eyelashes, but must have lost some nose hair because my nose is running a lot haha!

I so appreciate the cards I get in the mail, the personal texts checking in to see how I'm doing, and the phone calls to chat. My friends and family who understand how isolating it is to be home alone have made this journey so much easier. The thoughtful acts mean a lot, like Sherri doing my grocery shopping, Sylvia dropping off a card with a little book called "God is Always Watching Over You", Jen bringing Starbucks, my parents with their generous Costco deliveries, and just everything Gus does for me. The gracious gifts are nice, too. Sweet Jessy brought me back some special things from "St. Lebanon". And Gus's nephew and niece, Nick and Jessica, sent over two cute hats. Yesterday mom gave me a cute necklace that says "Love" and the "L" is shaped like a pink ribbon. And I got the best homemade bracelet in the mail from Allie that says "God gave me you".

Blessed to be feeling well as I head into chemo #4 on Monday, and immensely grateful to God for giving me all the wonderful people in my life!

Chemo Realities

Last week the fatigue set in. I don't even know what I did all week, I was so tired. Wondered what was wrong with me and discovered it's the chemo. I thought that since the first cycle went so well, all subsequent cycles would be the same! Ha! Apparently it gets harder, not easier! Great.

I got some nice gifts in the mail, cute beanies from Shineah (who sweetly thought of me on her trip to Oregon!) and Pat (who is going through her own struggles and thought of me). And I had a lovely visit from my old, dear friend Teresa. She brought lunch, and some herbal tea, and a beautiful royal purple blanket. It is literally the softest blanket I've ever felt, and she told me that whenever I use it, think of it as a hug from her. Ahhhh. So thoughtful. I immediately decided to use it during chemo, it's chilly in the chemo room and the blankets are ugly, standard hospital issue. 

The weekend was mellow with a few surprises. A drive down to Encinitas and Del Mar, ending in football, pizza and beer. Yes, I found a good non-alcoholic brew, St. Pauli Girl NA! I was so happy! A few errands, and a delicious dinner with new friends at a beautiful home in Dana Point. Nothing too strenuous.

And Monday, October 27 was Chemo #3.

I was running late because I decided to walk the dogs and take a shower with "hair" washing. For the first time my bandage did not get wet at all! There were lots of little hairs in the drain, it's all coming out slowly but surely. Penny picked me up and did a chore for me that I had been meaning to do for several weeks. It took her a couple of minutes!

Kaiser was running later than I was, eventually Rafi did my dressing change and blood draw. She put on a new kind of dressing, it's clear and pretty cool. The other bandage was starting to cause a rash. After that, Penny took me to lunch and I got fortified with catfish, french fries and cole slaw. She brought me a sweet gift from Edie, my pastor's wife, a cute white cap with a rhinestone pink ribbon on it and a nice journal. We were late getting back from lunch but they still didn't have the results from my blood work so we had to wait.

Finally got a chair and we settled in with all of our stuff. Kimmy, another bag, our big purses, drinks. We looked like we were staying awhile! I was now wearing the beanie Penny picked out from the basket of beanies in the front office. I would not have dug through that basket but Penny did, and found the cutest hat! I don't know who made it but I'm grateful to the mystery donor.

My blanket (and hug from Teresa) was so cozy I almost didn't notice the Red Devil push. Penny worked on a word search and I played a few rounds of Red Herring. Then we played a few rounds of Scattergories. A nurse walked by and said, "Are you really going to play that with chemo brain?" We did, and I think my chemo brain rubbed off on Penny!

Then Penny decided to champion a cause. "Why aren't there tv's in here? They should serve lunch! Massage chairs! With headphones like on an airplane!" She asked the patient across from me if he agreed and he said yes. She asked him how often he had treatments and he said every six weeks. She told him he needed to come back next week to support our cause so that's what he told his nurse! That's my Penny, causing trouble haha!

I didn't get a headache or sinus pain with the second drug but I did get lightheaded again so I got more saline before we left. It was a long day. There was a woman there earlier who seemed to be struggling with pain. As Penny was covering her up with blankets, she told us that her mother brought her but left because it takes too long. I felt sad for her and grateful for Penny. No matter how long the day was, she stuck it out with me and helped me through it with smiles and laughter!

Yesterday I didn't feel as well as I did the weeks' before. I guess each time will be different. My parents came over with cheerful fall-colored flowers, a pumpkin, and some groceries. They did some chores and cooked a delicioso Mexican dinner. I took a long nap, we had a nice visit and watched NCIS. Now if only I could sleep without getting up three (or four?) times because of all the fluid I need to drink! Oh well, that's what naps are for!

I have my twice-a-day flushing routine down, and my shots start again tonight. I will be honest and tell you that this past weekend, before chemo #3, I was already over it. I haven't even lost all my hair yet. When I told Gus, he asked me, "Over what?" I said tearfully, "Everything!"

Today I accept that I am being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that I may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully give thanks to the Father. (Colossians 1:11-12)

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Pardon the pun, I couldn't resist.

Saturday, October 18, I got my crying out of the way early. Before Sherri came over with her electric razor, I looked in the mirror, brushed my hair, and told myself between sobs, "This is the last time I will brush my hair for a long time." Then I said, "Ow," because the brushing hurt! I took all of my hair products and tools and put them away. And that was that.

I wondered if there was a chance that my packages would arrive from Hats for You and The Breast Cancer Site. Earlier in the week I had ordered some scarves, a little cap to wear to bed, and some breast cancer merch. Well God sent me a sign that He was watching over me on hair shaving day because both packages arrived. Those tears were happy tears!

When Sherri came over in the late afternoon, I took an anti-nausea pill because I was a bit anxious, and some Tylenol in case the shaving would make my scalp hurt. We talked for a bit, and then we were ready. We went out to the backyard, I sat on a stool, Sherri plugged in the razor and asked, "What do I do? I've never done this before!" Well, I decided that prayer might help, because prayer always helps! So I prayed and we shared a few tears and then felt calm enough to proceed.

Sherri shaved and we talked and there were no more tears. Maddie watched me with those cocker spaniel eyes because she knows all about the razor! I looked down on the ground at my hair and almost felt more bummed at the amount of grey I saw instead of the amount of hair! We finished shaving upstairs in my bathroom, using the number zero setting. Andy told us that to get my head completely bald we'd have to use a razor and shaving cream, but I remembered that they don't even want you to shave anything with a razor and shaving cream because they don't want any chance of nicks. So I had to make do with a VERY short buzz cut! As I had hair all over my neck, I covered my catheter with a towel and stuck my head in the shower while my sweet and brave friend washed my nubs. We then pulled out all my hats and scarves and I tried them on and took pictures. I sent a photo of my new look, without a hat or scarf, to the girls and Gus, and they all responded with positive and supportive comments. Of course! I am so proud of my friend Sherri and grateful for her. The intimacy created by the entire experience is one that I don't think either of us will ever forget! 

I had more energy yesterday, and was able to enjoy a breakfast outing, a short dog walk, and lots of football. I wore my NY Giants cap all day, and then went bare at night. I really like to wear hats anyway, and now I can wear whatever I want whenever I want! I feel like I'm already used to the new "do", although it's weird to feel air instead of hair! Haha! I guess the tiny, remaining hairs will fall out soon enough, and then I'll have to get used to being completely bald.

Today is a trip to Kaiser for a dressing change and my last stomach shot in this series. I am looking forward to a visit from a good friend. And no matter what I look like on the outside, and what's going on with my body on the inside, I praise God because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! (Today's devotion verse, from Psalm 139:14)

Afternoon Thoughts From a Chemo Foggy Patient

It's always hard after being with my kids. Readjusting to a quiet house, all my bathroom supplies have been restored to my bathroom and life goes back to normal. Well, now it's the new normal. Although everyone is reminding me that it's temporary, to which I say temporary is relative. 

These past few days have been more challenging than the first days after chemo #2. There was no magic pill I could take to ward off the physical and emotional results of both the chemo and some unexpected news that hurt my heart. I love my daughters so much, and wish they didn't have to deal with what they're dealing with. Because my energy is already lacking, I now feel completely zapped. Holly asked me what the hardest thing about this is, and as much as I whine about not having wine, I told her it's the fatigue. I don't even feel like walking my dogs, and I don't even feel like myself.

Last night Holly picked me up and took me to Bunco. It was nice to get out, good to see everyone and have some fun, but man, rolling those dice really tired me out. My sweet friend Sandy gave me a Brighton breast cancer keychain, a heart that says "hope, faith, LOVE". Ahh.

Holly brought me a wonderful homecooked meal that I can't wait to eat later. Lasagne, one of my very favorites, and a chocolate pie! My taste buds better be working! And to top it off, she gave me my shot. A good friend is someone who is as good with a spatula as she is with a needle! Haha! 

I've gotten used to flushing my catheter but not taping it up for the shower. I am handling my stomach shots, as long as I don't have to shoot myself. I am eating despite the changing taste buds, and staying hydrated with water, coffee and Gatorade. And I am shedding as much as Kianne.

My hair is not coming out in clumps, which is fortunate. I have that "when you pet a dog that is shedding" scenario. I've been unable to style the cute pixie I got on Monday night because the hair sticks to my hands before falling to the counter. Everywhere I go my hair follows me. It was hard to sleep last night because my scalp hurt on the pillow. I read that once your hair is gone, your scalp won't hurt. Rather than go through another hair washing/drain cleaning/scalp hurting day, today will be Hair Shaving Day. And probably Cry My Eyes Out Day as well.

Somehow I forgot to mention some good news from the meeting with my new oncologist on Monday. My logical Erika wanted to know my status. I've been saying that I was diagnosed with Stage 3 IDC breast cancer. But do I still HAVE cancer? Didn't they take it out with my lumpectomy and those two lymph nodes? My oncologist said yes! I am currently IN REMISSION, as far as we know, and in treatment to kill off anything we can't see and prevent anything else. Now that's a status! Woohoo!

Erika has a beautifully simple tattoo on her arm that says "grace". Grace is the "free and unmerited favor of God". I'll take that one step further, because I continue to be amazed and blessed by the favor of the family and friends who are building me up when I am weak. It takes effort to be an encouragement for someone, and so many of the individuals on my "support team" are going through so much themselves. God's grace is flowing to me through these loving friends and family. I know they are seeking Him and following Him. For them, there is no such thing as "out of sight, out of mind", for their minds are on higher things, and more than themselves. One of my favorite quotes is, "The clueless do not know they are clueless." Even though it's not scriptural, it's a good explanation when comprehension of certain actions is difficult to impossible.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." My sincere love and thanks to the humble, GRACEFUL people in my life!