Hey I'm Still Here!

I'm still in treatment. I've been going through this breast cancer thing since August. I drive to radiation Monday through Friday, about a 40 mile round trip. I'm fortunate, there's only two Kaiser radiation centers - Ontario and LA, with a new one being built in Anaheim. I met a woman coming from Orange, she was always there early because you can't plan for traffic.

At first I felt pretty good. I was starting to recover from chemo and the radiation hadn't affected me yet. I had some energy, and was beginning to do some more projects around the house. The dogs and I resumed our regular dog walks, although I can't seem to do more than usual because I'm still quite winded from our moderate exercise. A few weeks later and I'm so tired I can barely move. Well, that's an exaggeration. But I'm really tired. I need a nap every day that I have radiation. I am having trouble sleeping through the night, possibly because of chemo-induced menopause. If I don't take Tylenol PM I'm doomed to be awake most of the night.

I had my last full site radiation yesterday and also saw the radiation oncologist again. The first time, after a few weeks of treatment, the doctor seemed surprised that my skin looked so good. As with chemo, I chalked it up to my good fortune and was very grateful. Yesterday the doctor said everything was normal, and I realized I sure don't like normal. Besides being exhausted I am now in pain, like I have a really bad sunburn under my arm. The spot is where they've been radiating the lymph area. I'm not wearing a bra (!) whenever possible because it's painful. I had been applying the Aloe Vera gel as instructed and was just told to apply Aquaphor ointment to the entire area. It feels so much better until it dries and I want to apply it again.

Today was the first of my last six boost treatments. It's one shot of radiation only to the area where the initial tumor was removed. So hopefully the area under my arm and near my clavicle (which is sore but not as sore as the lymph area) will start to heal. Both of those areas are a weird, dark reddish brown color, with spots like large freckles. 

I've also apparently had some radiation-induced motion sickness. And the damage to my fingernails from the chemo that caused a brown color now has my nails splitting. There are red spots on both of my cheeks. Looks like broken blood vessels. My hair, eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back, albeit slowly but surely. And I only have five more radiation treatments to go.

Why is that door so thick?

Thick door closed. Beam on!

I'm Radioactive, Radioactive

So radiation.

My final chemo was on February 9 and my first radiation appointment was on February 19. The radiologist and my radiation oncologist took measurements and placed stickers all over my chest and drew on me with a red marker so they could determine the correct angles for aiming the radiation beams and the proper dose of radiation. I had three CT scans to make sure the stickers and marker placement were correct. 

It's critical when radiating the breast area that as much of the lung and heart is protected from the damaging effects of the radiation. While chemo treats the cells in the entire body, preventing replication of cancer cells, radiation aims to kill any remaining cancer cells in the immediate area where the tumors were found. I am having external photon beam radiation because I had a lumpectomy, or breast conserving surgery (BCS). They are radiating the entire breast, the lymph node area under my arm, above my collarbone and beneath the breast bone in the center of my chest. They know exactly where to radiate because on February 23, I got five permanent tattoos where the stickers had been. They are just small dots, but will be a permanent souvenir of my radiation experience. I was a bit unnerved at first, having a tattoo on my neck like a criminal, but I'll work with it.

I received my instructions for radiation - must put aloe vera gel on the affected area twice daily, stay out of the sun, especially the affected area, and a few other things - and found out my schedule. My radiation oncologist said we needed three weeks from the last day of chemo for recovery before starting radiation. I'll have late afternoon appointments the first week, and then settle into my regular schedule of 12:48. I was shown the radiation routine. Check in at the reception desk where the receptionist will give me one of those vibrating disks you get at restaurants to let you know your table's ready. When the disk lights up, I place it on the stack of disks on the desk, go to the dressing room and change into my gown, then proceed to the radiation waiting area and wait for the radiologist to call my name. Pretty simple.

After my radiation appointment, I ate a sandwich that my dad made and broke my tooth. I thought I had just broken a filling but sadly, no. The dentist wanted to get the root canal done before I began treatment. So far I've had the root canal, which was actually really easy, and the crown prep appointment. Wasn't expecting that little surprise but apparently chemo affects your teeth. That's a side effect I didn't really consider. 

My first treatment was on March 3. I was in a panic getting there because a deadly accident on the freeway closed my onramp and caused backups on all the side streets. I ended up making it on time and everything went fine. It's weird because you don't see anything happen and you don't feel anything. But you do hear it, and you are always alone. What does it mean that I'm getting radiation on bare skin but the radiologists have to leave the room and close the big, thick door?

I will have radiation Monday through Friday for 31 days. If I don't miss any treatments, my last day will be on April 14. The only side effects I'm expecting are fatigue and some skin redness or sunburn. I think the time will go by quickly.

"In quietness and in trusting confidence I find strength." Isaiah 30:15

Mixed Emotions and a Happy Birthday

It's done!! My last day of chemo was February 9. I took myself to my final dressing change and blood draw, and on my way home decided that I needed a last-day-of-chemo pink shirt, so I stopped at TJ Maxx and found one. Gus took me to chemo. I had my favorite nurse, Rowena, and all my other favorites were there, too. I brought customized breast cancer sugar cookies from Bee'in Creative with Cookies by Julie Grenier as a thank you to my awesome team (thank you Julie, the nurses loved the adorable cookies!). Chemo went really fast, and I had a good meeting with my oncologist. I will see him in three months, when radiation is over, to discuss my follow-up care. I'm in remission, so that's good enough to know right now. We told him that the very next day, February 10, was my birthday, and asked him when I could have those long-anticipated foods like sushi, salad and wine. He said he felt that I could have everything, including a glass of wine...in a week! (I kind of knew that would be his doctorly advice, so I waited one day and had a fantastic birthday celebration!!) 

When my last infusion tube was removed, I asked the nurses for a photo, and I joined them all in the nurses station where we danced to Pharrell's song Happy, hugged and took pictures. It was so great! As I walked out of the lab for the last time, Rowena yelled, "We don't want to see you again!". I wasn't expecting to be teary but I was, probably because it's been my home since September 29th, and the nurses have been my family, taking care of me and making me feel safe in a place full of scary diseases and tubes and crazy strong medications. Gus asked me if they were happy tears or sad and I couldn't even tell.

So I was already weepy when we pulled up to my house and I saw all the pink heart balloons, decorations and flowers! For some reason Gus was recording me - that's because Sylvia had been in contact with him. So had Sherri, who joined me when I walked inside my house and saw more balloons, including congrats and happy birthday, a bottle of wine and two special wine glasses (cheers and congrats) and a fantastic end-of-chemo sign that she made. Ah, more tears! So amazing to see and feel all the love. I was overwhelmed, joyful and grateful.

And tired. I slept well that night and was thrilled to get more flowers throughout my birthday day. After a birthday breakfast and visit to the stables with Mary, I got a fantastic birthday present... my Broviac was removed! No more weird tube sticking out of my body, no more twice a day flushing! So exciting! And to top off the day, a fabulously special birthday dinner with Gus and a beautiful and meaningful birthday gift. I had one of the happiest birthdays ever!

Erika came to visit over the weekend and we had an amazing time as usual with a crazy beach day and Fred's Coronaritas, wine tasting, sushi, and coffee of course. (Allie is coming to visit in April to celebrate the end of radiation). My friends and Gus helped me continue my birthday celebration for a couple of weeks with lots of fun activities, good food and drinks that I've missed! One day Gus and I jogged along the beach and played tennis. I felt so great at the time but then needed extra sleep for the following week! And I rested and napped, broke a tooth and had a root canal, focused on recovering from chemo and prepared for the next phase of treatment which starts tomorrow. 

Some of my chemo side effects are diminishing, like the heartburn, congestion and insomnia. The hair on my head is growing back, mostly on the sides. I have now lost all my eyelashes and most all my eyebrows. I started taking Tamoxifen.

So thankful for the caring family, friends and medical team that God has used to surround me on this journey. "You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit." Job 10:12

The Light at the End

Well it's finally here. The last day of chemo is tomorrow. After 15 Mondays spent in the Kaiser Hematology/Oncology infusion lab, tomorrow is my last one. I have mixed emotions. I've got a routine, and generally know what to expect in my daily life. All that is going to change.

I've done some research (of course I have haha) on what to expect once treatment ends.  I have been eager to sign up for a celebratory 5k as soon as possible, and was looking forward to start hiking again and playing tennis. I read that it takes the same amount of time to get back to normal life as the amount of time from the date of my suspicious mammogram until the last day of treatment. I should be finished with radiation in early April, so that would mean that after radiation ends, I may be about nine months away from feeling normal, or actually my "new" normal. Apparently there will be lingering and accumulated effects of everything, starting with surgery and anesthesia to chemo and radiation. Plus, there's the hormone therapy for the next five to ten years. So tomorrow I complete one phase of my treatment and still have several more phases to go. I'll have a new schedule for radiation, and I'll get used to it and then it, too, will end. I guess all I can do is take one day at a time, and be thankful for each one of those days. Tomorrow is my last day of chemo, and for that I'm definitely thankful.

Last week my dear friend Christie took the day off to take me to chemo and then to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Yum! We had a good day! I had another good day on Tuesday, down days Wednesday and Thursday, then good days again. I know tomorrow will definitely be good day!

January

This month has gone by quickly. I have my chemo routine down, and generally know what to expect the rest of the week. There was just a little post-holiday blues, more down days than usual, but lots of good things to balance it all out. I've eaten Cuban, Italian, Chinese, seafood, good old American, my first dim sum, and Filipino. There was a treat of fresh strawberries, only because we bought them from a stand and knew they were grown organically and picked right there in Anaheim Hills, and Gus washed them about four or five times!

I've seen some movies (we know where to sit for minimal crowd contact), Unbroken and American Sniper, and finally watched the movie that's been sitting on my coffee table for about a month, Philomena. I've had coffee & breakfasts, lunches & dinners out with friends, played bunco with the church girls, worked on my bible study, done lots of research on tons of things, and added a new old vase to my small carnival glass collection. I had a fun outing to get my make-up done by my lovely and talented niece, Diana, who works for Bobbi Brown. I've also done a lot of office work. Finally finished shredding 30 years of bills and receipts. My shredder died so I had to borrow one to finish the job! Too many phone calls and emails, trips to the post office, Auto Club, car repair. 

I was also surprised by some unexpected expenses. The car repair was unexpected. I needed a smog for my registration and wouldn't you know, it didn't pass. $400 later, it passed. And I'm getting new health insurance next month, courtesy of Covered California, with a delightful monthly premium of $513. And that is with my premium assistance! I have to get the platinum insurance due to my ongoing treatment, and I also now have copays, plus a 10% coinsurance for all my "special" appointments, treatments and chemo meds. I don't even know what to expect. But God is working it all out like He did previously. A large bill I was paying was paid off in December, just in time for me to pay my large premium this month. Amazing grace!

The chemo side effects now include more of each, in no particular order: metal mouth taste, runny nose and weepy eyes, congestion, insomnia, fatigue, tire easily when walking, heartburn, a few queasy moments, weight gain, sore body, dry mouth, brows and lashes nearly gone, menopause hot flashes, and of course the chemo foggy brain where I can't remember the key word of any given thought in a sentence. I'm trying to focus on my health and not worry about what I'm going to do next (when do I start job hunting? And for what? Aagghhh!) I've been looking up 5k runs to do, and I want to start now, but then I think, "what am I thinking?" I can't even go up the stairs without panting! I know it will take some time to get back to normal after chemo is finished, but at least I know that it will happen (but when???!!!). And if nothing out of the ordinary happens in the next two weeks, I will have Chemo #16, my last chemo, on February 9th! Only two more treatments to go! 

Photos top to bottom: Chemo #11, 1/5/15, with Sherri, Chemo #12, 1/12/15, with Darlene, Chemo #13, 1/19/15, with Holly (new baby hair fuzz!), Chemo #14, 1/26/15, with Holly (starting to see some black hairs in the fuzzy mix!)

Resolution Time

Hope everyone had a beautiful Christmas. Mine was different and fantastic, filled with family, a few easy errands, baking, some of our traditional movies (Little Women, The Holiday, White Christmas), great gifts, yummy food and fun games. I felt better last week, not as tired and more energy, of course because of the excitement of the holiday and having one of my kids home.

Chemo #10 December 29

Sylvia, my sweet friend from church, actually took the day off work to take me to my morning appointment, breakfast, and chemo! On her day off, she spent the whole day with me, and I'm sure grateful. She brought me a necklace that a friend of hers made and a blingy travel cup, both perfect for my "situation". I love them both.

I can fight like a girl because the Lord is my strength!

The pharmacist was worried about my low blood pressure. The staff is always worried about my low blood pressure! I guess it's my normal, and better than high blood pressure. I gained a few Christmas cookie pounds. My nurse, Berta, was happy with my blood flow through the Broviac. Apparently not everyone takes good care of their catheter or port. Of course I follow directions, and have never missed a flushing. She tried to give me Benadryl again, saying it would prevent a bad reaction from the Paclitaxel but I told her I didn't have a reaction without it last week so I didn't need it, so I just got Zyrtec, Pepcid and Dexamethasone for premeds. Learned something new again. In the infusion room where I get my treatments there are many different types of patients, not just chemo patients. There's a blood disorder that causes a person's body to make too much blood, so they have to remove some of the person's blood because it will become the consistency of sludge. What? Our bodies do some weird things sometimes.

Chemo went quickly with no issues, only felt a bit lightheaded at the beginning and then fine. The older woman next to me was having her last treatment. Her daughter had brought her two little kids and since they don't allow children under 12, the daughter had to leave. It didn't seem like it was the woman's last day, no happy signs or balloons or anything special. But I'm sure the fact that it was her last treatment was special to her!

This is the only moment Sylvia and I stopped talking!

I felt good when I got home. The dogs seemed to have a lot of energy so I thought I'd play a game of hide and seek with them. I tried to covertly go up the stairs to hide but they kept following me. The third time I tried I made it up without them seeing me, and hid behind the bathroom door. However, I was breathing so hard that I couldn't wait for them to find me, and had to come out while they were still looking. I had a hard time catching my breath just from that short burst of activity - that's what chemo does to you.

I was tired early and probably should have gone to bed before I did. I woke up thinking it was later than it was - the darn clock said 1:48am. I stayed in bed and read "I am Malala" until around 4am, and then I think I was able to take a few cat naps until around 6, when I read some more until coming downstairs at 7 to light the fire and a candle and get my first cup of coffee. Corona is having a cold snap and it's supposed to rain today. So nice.

At some point during my night of insomnia I started thinking about new year's resolutions. I seem to always have the same ones, and this year is no different, except this year getting healthy takes on a whole new meaning. So often in our daily lives we focus too much on what we can't do. It's too hard, I don't have time, I don't have enough money, I'm too (name it), I'm not (name it), other people continue to hurt me/stifle me/prevent me from/cause me to, etc. When you have the kind of wake up calls that I had this year, you better heed the call to change. I am determined to do what I can do right now. And friends, why wait until you have these kinds of wake-up calls? You don't need to lose your job, get divorced, or have a cancer diagnosis to make a change. Have that hard conversation with yourself, have it with the loved one in the important relationship you are struggling with.  Life is short, and you seriously NEVER know what's going to happen to mess up your carefully laid plans. Don't wait. Take steps, whether baby steps or a giant leap, to create your happiness NOW. Not when you retire or when your spouse retires, not when your kids are older or when your parents are no longer around. We fool ourselves into thinking it will be easier sometime down the road. We avoid confrontation, both with others and with ourselves. We avoid going to the doctor when we know we should because we are afraid of what we might hear. But you know what, it doesn't get easier, no matter how long we wait. And maybe we end up wasting a lot of time when we could have been happy, and helped others to be happy, too.

I'm a big advocate of counseling, and would recommend it to anyone. If you are having marriage issues and your spouse won't go, go by yourself. If there are any challenges, questions, decisions you are hung up on, working through them with a counselor is a great option. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a professional help you to move forward to create the life you deserve. And when you feel good about yourself, and have hope for the future, you can experience joy in your present circumstances regardless of what they are and you'll be enough and have enough to give and receive the love God wants for you.

As 2015 quickly approaches, I resolve to put my health, relationships, and the creation of a new and fulfilling future as my priorities. And I will do this by putting God first. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may OVERFLOW with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Ok, If We're Being Honest...

I was told there would be good days and bad days, and last week I met the bad days in person.

The fatigue hit me like never before. I had no energy, no motivation, and no desire to part ways with the couch. Luckily, I had a lot I could do from the couch. Paying bills, calling companies, researching options for my new health insurance situation, completing an online survey for the American Cancer Society. I got a movie I'd been wanting to see out of the bag of movies
Christie lent me and the best I could do was place it on the coffee table. I had no desire to even put it in the DVD player and watch it!

One day I slept in, got up and did my flushing, had coffee and a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, and went back to bed. Fortunately sweet Debra offered to buy me a few things at Stater's, and milk and the Cap'n Crunch were two of them. I got a new book on my Kindle, I Am Malala, and tried to read it, then got sidetracked and had to do some research on Sunni Islam, the history of Pakistan and the new report on Dr. Oz. I did run a few short errands - post office to mail Allie's box, shopping with Gus for my Rescue Mission child, a nice lunch with Theresa - but my mood was about as low as my energy (I'll go so far as to say I felt depressed) and I just couldn't shake it.

Besides all that, along with the side effects I've previously mentioned, some new ones have made themselves known. It appears that menopause wants me to join the ranks of women who flash. Day and night, with no warning, the heat comes on and my hat, scarf and sweatshirt come off. If I'm wearing all those clothes it's because I am seriously nearly completely bald now, and my head and neck get chilly. The downstairs of my house gets chilly, too, so I layer. I have several friends who have told me about their experiences with hot flashes - now I know firsthand what it's like and it's intense. I've had allergies since November 16, when we went to Ontario Mills in the big Santa Ana winds. I haven't had allergies like this for years, and have been taking the Walgreens brand of Zyrtec D every day since. AND my nurse may be wrong when she said if I hadn't already lost my brows and lashes then I wouldn't. One morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed those little hairs were a lot more sparse than the day before, and now it seems like I'm losing a few more each day. There's some other body things happening that I don't need to mention here, which makes a lot of body drama going on.

Add to all this some anger, sadness, bitterness and disappointment about some life issues and throw in a little bit of concern about the future and there you have it. The bad week I was warned about. Now I'm not writing this for sympathy or because I'm in any way inspirational. I'm including it in my blog because I am documenting my personal journey through breast cancer. I still know I'm very fortunate that my low days have been few and far between, and so many other patients have struggles far exceeding mine. I just want to be honest and transparent that I'm not always as strong as I appear.

By the weekend I felt a bit better, and was able to get dressed up with Gabby and attend Gus's lovely work party in Costa Mesa. There were Victorian carolers, fancy appetizers (no tuna tartare for me) and wine (did I have one glass???). The dinner was fantastic, and our table mates, Brenden & Sarah and Steve & Theresa, were a fun bunch. Gus and I also tried Seven Seas in Corona for Thai food, and that was delicious. It was also a nice surprise to run into Erika's friends Josh and Kaitlyn. 

Chemo #9 December 22

Blood draw and dressing change, as usual. Rafi does the best job with my dressing change. It was already a warm, spring-like day at 11am, so my hat came off and I rocked the bald look in my car, at Kaiser, Office Depot and McDonald's. I had another double cheeseburger craving, and this time ate two. Oops. Came back home to meet my parents who came out from Banning to be my chemo companions. They did a few chores for me while I ate and then we battled traffic to get to Kaiser.

Sharing the experience with Dad and Mom.

I had Doni, a nurse I've never had before. She was so sweet and caring, and did something wonderful for me. She changed my pre-meds from Benedryl to Zyrtec, and my quality of chemo life improved immensely! I continued to speak normally and stayed awake the entire time! I started treatment at 1:15, and after reading some magazines, talking with my mom, and playing a high-spirited game of War with her, I was finished by 3:30. As I always learn something new at each session, I thought I'd ask about my end-of-chemo party. As I suspected, I will need to wait a week (hopefully that's all but I'll have to follow up with my oncologist) before having the end-of-chemo party that I'm dreaming about. The one with adult beverages & a big salad bar, sushi & sashimi, eggs over-medium, fresh berries of all kinds, and brie with fresh pears and raw honey! There goes my birthday party, too! Oh well, if anything I'm practicing patience and restraint, and I can always have cupcakes! 

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 
2 Corinthians 4:17-18